My last post was titled “Becoming Fearless,” and after about two months or so of having this post available as my “most recent post”, I removed it from my page. Throughout the time the post was available, I felt internal conflict as to whether or not it truly held the meaning I initially intended. The post is beautiful, and perhaps I will make it visible again in the future; however, the reason I ultimately chose for it to become invisible is because it was a long, drawn out story that spanned my lifetime as I presently know it. I want to break it all down much further. For this post, I don’t want to share a lifetime of fear encapsulated in a singular story. While I feel like what I had written was meaningful, powerful, transparent, raw, and vulnerable in the most beautiful way, it was essentially a very gross limitation to what I’m attempting to share with the world. Right now, I want to share what it means for me during my process of becoming fearless as it stands here in this moment.
I am 33 years old and what I feel and experience in my heart is also what I perceive and liken to the biggest pivot point I will ever know. In this, I feel my wildest dreams and the profound joy and love I see myself experiencing and sharing. In tandem, I also feel my biggest fears I’ve ever felt bubbling to the surface, some of which I didn’t realize were still within. I have moments where I am so petrified, I do nothing else but cry. I have other moments where I feel my profound love for everything I am, what I am creating, and the greater impact that is only bound to ripple because I’m fucking tossing boulders into the sea. The mixture of excitement and knowing that this is my path to my deepest fulfillment, paired with that incapacitating fearful feeling.. One thing is certain, it’s been a wild roller coaster of emotions, to be sure.
My intention is to channel the energy in my heart and soul into everything I think, say, or do, in alignment with God, that Divine Oneness of Spirit that is inherent in us all, and to be of the highest benefit. That’s it. This is the single-pointed will to be the best version of myself, and to love myself, for only then can I pour forth true love and really see and hold the vision of the best in others. Everything we think about ourselves is a direct reflection of how we perceive the people around us, period. If I can uphold the best version of others, they can feel that and will only naturally see and experience the same within themselves.
I have not shared or expressed with many (really a handful of people, maybe) what it is I am working on right now. There are two reasons for this, first of which is because I am afraid of how people will receive what I have to share. Second, I have a fear of speaking things, because often when I share and speak things, I talk myself out of them and do not see them to fruition. I’m breaking these walls down right now.
I am going to school, but it’s not university, and it’s not studying something that I can just talk about in casual conversation. For my environment, it’s incredibly misunderstood. Although, this too is just a third wall that I’m realizing I hold and would like to break down. I feel like people just don’t “feel me” or “get me”, but in turn, I experience the things that I do because of the beliefs I hold. It is my intention that me sharing myself serves as a mirror for anyone reading this.
The foundation of my studies is practicing seeing myself as the best version of myself, holding that vision, and feeling it energetically throughout my entire body in order to align myself into said reality that I (right now) only hold in my mind’s eye. Some of the homework for this is having absolute self-awareness of every thought that arises as I go about every moment of my day. Am I experiencing fear, am I worried, am I doubting myself? Or am I holding my vision and feeling the profound joy and fulfillment of what my soul deeply desires? The answer is both.
My school’s intention (and I keep saying “school”, because it is, but it’s also a one-on-one mentorship) is to teach me to be aware of, recognize, and deepen my connection to my own intuition. Not only am I learning to envision and hold my soul’s dreams, but also learning how to recognize that everything I need to really make all of this a reality comes from within.
My mentor is incredibly amazing, which is an understatement, but truth is ineffable. If you feel drawn to knowing more about her, you can find Katelyn Edgar’s website on my links page, which is the option titled “Mind” that you can access with one click. The profound support I receive with one-on-one connection in the sacred space we create together, is seriously beyond measure and highly recommended if you feel called to that kind of work (with anyone). While I am learning to source this from within, I did and do require LOTS of support and love. This is true even though I’m usually taking the role of being support and love. But let me tell you, whatever it is that you want to give to the world, you only naturally vibe and connect with the same vibration, that person that is reflecting what you are seeking. This is just one of those things that simply cannot be anything else. If you feel like the world is against you, you will only naturally manifest those experiences. If you desire growth, love, and healing, you will only naturally manifest those experiences. Knock on a door long enough and it does indeed open.
Allow me, if you will (because you could stop reading if you desire) to share my vision right now; because I’m going to be honest, I want to see the date I write about this and then also take note of the date I experience this for the first time.
I see forest. I live in the desert, I was born in the desert, and only lived in a forest environment for six years of my life. I also dream of learning various types of dancing, one of which is specifically to learn belly dancing. This is because I love Renaissance Faires; my husband and I hand drum with djembes (mostly) and who else do you see there? The belly dancer. But I’m also just sick of being overweight, so I require fun and joyful ways to keep fit. I see this manifesting as yoga, some kind of self-defense (most likely kickboxing and possibly Brazilian jiu-jitsu); along with the time and resources to be able to do all these things without fretting how they fit into my schedule.
I see music. Playing drums, flutes, perhaps learning how to play something I only dream of, like violin, piano, or the harp. I’m leading meditation circles – I’m connecting with God in the way that I know how – not in temples or churches, not something external from myself, but from a place within. I aim to do all of this for myself, but also help others see their own truth, vibrancy, brilliance, love, and creative expression, and to fully step into their dream reality. I am surrounded by love and support in every form, my community, the people I choose to surround myself with, my family, everyone I “randomly” meet. I’m talking about absolute happiness. What does that look like for you; in every conceivable way?
My mentor told me from the very beginning, “I have no desire working with anything that is not aligned with you intuitively.” This isn’t about preaching more beliefs and concepts, this is about teaching others to find their own truth from within and inside of themselves. That’s the place I consistently return to when I doubt and question (essentially fearing) myself. If I feel my truth and what I resonate with, from within my heart and every cell of my being, I could question it incessantly and still come back to the same answers. Truth is not external, but the external world certainly wants you to believe that.
My dream is to create art in every form I know, whether it be through writing or creating a sculpture, to music, to dance, to just being that emanation of my soul self that is absolute love. I’m in nature all the time, I don’t work for anyone else, I work and survive by sharing my truth and helping others do the same. Millennials don’t have some problem with working, the fucking problem is working for gains that do not feed one’s soul, for someone else’s objective. What is my objective? What is your objective, from your heart, what do you really want to be here, alive, feeling and sharing??
In all of this, in all of my biggest dreams and desires, what happens? Every fear I’ve ever held or known comes to the surface to tell me I’m not good enough, it’s not possible, there is “road block A” and “road block Z”, people won’t connect with me or feel what I feel. But you know what I’m realizing through these obnoxious fears that keep rising to the surface? They’re the exact opposite of who I see myself to be and who I am. Becoming fearless entails seeing your greatest vision, knowing you are enough, your greatest dreams are possible, and feeling every sadness, self-doubt, lack of worthiness, lack of being good enough (always some kind of lack, right?) that surfaces in the interim, to move beyond. Because on the other side of all this mental jargon we allow ourselves to believe and be perceptible to, is our dream and our vision for our highest potential and true happiness that can and only will naturally align when you consistently hold the vision. Thoughts are energy, and energy creates.
I feel so much fear and I embrace that part of me, I accept I feel that way and this time I’m going to love myself anyway. Just like a parent would for their daughter or son, they would pour forth love to those feelings, knowing there’s so much more beyond all of this, more than we can imagine. Yes, I hold visions of who I think my best version of myself is, but truly, it’s more than I can imagine or know. What I do know, is on the other side of this debilitating fear, is me. Myself, my joy, my dream, and I’m moving and aligning myself with that vision every moment of every day (even in fear sometimes). There’s so much talk about spiritual bypassing right now, acting like everything should be focused on the positive. It’s not about being positive all the time. Being spiritual involves honoring your fear, hate, rage, jealousy.. everything you are, because you can’t be your greatest dream and best self if you do not love and embrace every aspect of your being.
We are taught to seek our needs, our connection with the Divine, our support in every form, from outside of ourselves. We were not taught how to go within. We are told we have to mentally think of something, to plan, to foresee road blocks and possible struggles, along with possible outcomes, and to base what we think we know on what we have experienced in the past. All of this is literally backwards because what we experience in our future reality is manifested by our current beliefs, and all of our current thoughts. It’s more about feeling that thing we want to create from the heart; seeing it, and embodying that vibration, that vision, feeling it as if it’s our reality now. The mind is a useful tool, but we have been told it’s necessary when it really just gets in the way.
Think of your dream for purposes of imagining it, then feel your dream like you’re living it right now, give thanks and deepest gratitude and reverence, and leave it at that. Absolute joy and fulfillment is what we are meant to experience, shine, and reflect for each other.
Footnote: I didn’t actually describe my deepest fears. I mentioned they bring me to tears, and sometimes I really take them in and feel them as if they are my defining aspect of who I am. I feel like I am so alone, so afraid, full of such deep, immense sadness. When I go into meditation to feel it, it’s this feeling like I’ve carried it for lifetimes. I see myself throwing boulders into the sea because what I’m carrying is the size of boulders, and it’s terrifying. It’s also fucking amazing, though. As I feel and embrace my fears, I open up space for others to do the same. I send love to my fears, unconditionally. I invite you to simply imagine yourself doing this, to anything and everything that comes up for you, to your past or to others, and it literally causes a physical shift, ultimately so much so that you’re completely changing your reality.
Be love, be joy.. It’s our true nature. But most of all, be fully and authentically YOU.